Elf's Diary Entry #25 - SQUATS

January 27, 2015

[*heads up - I've drunk a bottle of wine*]

 

Today was possibly one of the best days of 2015 so far. 

 

The objective in the run up to spending 6 weeks in Australia is to try and get a body like Ellen Ripley's at the end of Alien. (I've always wanted to pull of the white vest and briefs combo). So I have been hitting the gym like a Rabbit on Heat. I've always wanted to have a bottom of Nicki Minaj proportions but I've come to learn now that there is little chance I will achieve this naturally and will instead either have to talk to a surgeon or  purchase the heavilly polyester 'bottom shapers' that the Latin Body Shapers Shop on my highstreet sell*....

 

Despite my sadness, coming to this realisation that I will never look like Nicki Minaj has meant one great thing... I've given up on squats. The ugliest word, the ugliest position, the most tedious hobby. No one enjoys squats. Lets let squats die. Nothing good has ever come from squatting. If you doubt me, say the word outloud. It's both ridiculous and depressing in equal measure. Who cares if you have a bum like steel. No one has ever been able to defeat someone in a fight through bum muscle alone.

 

Saying that, I met a personal trainer at a house party this weekend and he's promised me that for two free tickets to Being Barbarella he'll give me 10 free personal training sessions to give me the Breanne-of-Tarth figure I crave. I'm not sure which of us has got the better deal.

 

Anyways, today has been bloody brilliant. Mainly becuase it's the second day in a row I've eaten steak and I've been able to work on Being Barbarella. Wandering around my flat in just my knickers and hoodie whilst talking out loud - the freedom has allowed me to just let my mind wander and practise the show without any distractions. BBC Radio 6 blared naturally in the background.

 

The show has taken a new, more interesting tangent, and I feel very positive.

 

Other than that, I settled on the sofa and read 'Sex Criminals' by Karmin and Watsky and finished Lena Dunham's Not that Kind of Girl. I've now started on Diane Von Furstenburg's memoir. What I lack in fashion sense I am trying to make up for in reading material.

 

I've finished writing my new entry for Pippa Says's website. Look out for it online SOON.

 

Also, Moody Comedy published a lovely interview today that we did at the beginning of the month. Check it out!

 

Night night.


XX

 

*unnecessarilly expensive for what they are

 

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