My spirit animal is the shark.

November 13, 2014

I feel sorry for sharks. They get a tough rep. 

 

Why? Firstly: No one likes sharks. Why? Because they are scary. If you haven’t seen a shark before, imagine a big knife with underwater wings. Not only that, but they’ve been blessed with the most aggressive of all RBF (Restful Bitch Faces) meaning that no matter how happy a Shark is, like a Cow, they always look miserable. Unlike the cute charm of the Clownfish or Octopus, Google ‘Sharks’ and you’ll see they are not the most photogenic. Their enigmatic, radiant, streamlined power does not communicate well on Instagram. They are not the Kate Moss’s of the ocean. Instead they just look like open mouthed, teethy, lairy lads on tour. In other words, TERRIFYING.

 

But there is more to a Shark than meets the eye.

 

Sharks are the anarchists of the ocean. They are like Bruce Wayne - elusive and misunderstood - yet overseeing and protecting the ocean we have spent so little time really exploring and understanding, (we have only explored 5% of the Oceon).  If it wasn’t for sharks, our world would be TOTALLY different. They keep our seas healthy by regulating the ocean and keeping the balance of marine life in check.  Basically, they are Batman,  all 450 breeds of them ARE Batman. And if we get rid of Sharks, Like Gotham City, the ocean and our world will fall a part. 

 

But despite constantly telling this to EVERYONE, people still don’t like them, because they are not your typical “hot-piece of flubber”, which is frustrating. I am so fed up of how pro-mammal humans are! We are so disinterested and critical of fish and reptiles.  Everyone wants to swim with dolphins, why? dolphins are ooohkay, but they are NOT SHARKS. Also, Free Willy.... NOT A WHALE. He is a dolphin THAT. KILLS. WHALES. That is NOT someone you wanna hang out with. THAT is a dolphin with UNRESOLVED ISSUES.

*deep breath*

 

Did you know that iguanas are one of the only species that can end their own lives? How depressing is that? Perhaps that wouldn’t be the case if we spent more time chatting to iguanas rather than banging on about the bloody panda. Fuck the panda. What is their point? They can’t change colour! Stop giving them so much attention! Maybe if you ignored them they’d bone more.

 

Anyway, below, to persuade you fully I have listed 5 key reasons why you step back and reassess how you view and judge the shark.

 

FIRST POINT:

 

JAWS - wasn’t even made, written or directed by a shark.

 

How much does Spielberg truly know about Sharks? Does he know that the correct name for all 12 breeds of Carpet shark is WOBBEGONG? Does he? Probably not, because if he did, he probably would have made a film about that instead, BECAUSE THAT IS THE BEST WORD EVER. Say it out loud. How can you be scared of a wobbegong? It sounds like the most gentle euphemism ever. Who doesn’t love a good euphemism. Also, the literal translation of wobbegong is ‘shaggy beard.’ Who doesn’t love a good face-shag?

 

SECOND POINTt:

 

Not even a SHARK could ruin Samuel L Jacksons career.

That man has been in some TERRIBLE films and that shark did us ALL a favour by surprising us halfway through Deep Blue Sea. The sharks were the best thing in that film and THEY WEREN’T EVEN REAL SHARKS. Also, sharks can’t swim backwards. So again, misrepresented.

 

THIRD POINT:

 

We as a human race seem to like dinosaurs more than we like sharks, which is stupid as NONE OF US HAVE MET A DINOSAUR and NONE OF US ARE EVER GOING TO. 

Sharks have been around longer than dinosaurs too - the first sharks lived around 400 million years ago. Sharks are like that weird green man that does the Vodophone adverts. They know things.

 

FOURTH POINT:

 

They are often viewed as the sea’s playground bullies, but the truth is, most Sharks are very soulful creatures that are all working their way through some big issues in their lives. 

 

For example, I’m no psychiatrist here, but I am a comedian, which means I spend a lot of time with emotionally broken people, one reason most sharks may come across as “a bit stressy”, “grumpy” and “aggressive” is because they are dealing with a lot of absent parent issues. Most sharks have not had parents around them to teach them to love or care.   As soon as a little sharky pup is born it is IMMEDIATELY left to fend for itself by its mum. That is not efficient parenting. No wonder Jaws had issues. Didn’t have anyone to play with.

 

Furthermore, it’s impossible for them to reach out for help. Literally, as they don’t have arms, but secondly, most shark species will drown if they stop moving as they don’t have the muscles to pump water around their body. This means 1) they are constantly exercising and that must be SO tiring, 2) they can’t stay for a chat and 3) THEY CAN NOT BE CUDDLED. What is life without a hug? Being a shark. That no one likes.

 

FIFTH POINT:

 

Sharks are feminists and female sharks are inspiring. Imagine Queen Latifah. Now imagine her as a Shark. THAT is what female sharks are like. Empowering, feminist, ‘don’t-take-any-crap’ - sure, I may have dissed their parenting skills, but female sharks have possibly THE WORST PREGNANCY EVER. and the bloke never stays around to help with the pregnancy.  In the womb, shark embryos - or pups, as they are called - fight to the death until only one survives. The Mother shark will have been boned by loads of different sharks, (AS SHE COMMITS TO NO MAN) so all their pups will compete so one father’s pup is born and not others. THAT IS LIKE The Hunger Games or Battle Royale in your womb. Can you imagine?

 

Thus, to conclude, Sharks are awesome, and we need to spend more time giving them the TLC they need to stay on this earth.  True, tiger sharks, great white sharks, bull sharks and the dance-floor sharks often spotted at Lizard Lounge are dangerous, volatile creatures. Loan sharks, arguably, are even worse. But these examples are just a small pool of what is a massive ocean of sharktastic talent and misrepresent the shark community. 

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© 2014 by ELF LYONS