During the time of covid, everyone is trying to improve themselves, either by taking up running or enhancing their body mass index in the comfort of their own home. There are many ways to care for yourself in a time of covid and they are all equally valid and wonderful. There is one area of communication that has taken a leap in popularity and innovation as many strum their laptop keyboards trying to fill the time: Flirting.
Zoom meetings. House parties. Twitch broadcasts. Instagram live. There are now multiple ways for long distance online love to flourish in the time of the global pandemic. Flirting is a brilliant, friendly and silly thing to do. I love doing it, in particular with people I know. However for some, that is boring. People prefer to flirt globally with people they have never met before in their life. Each to their own. Since lockdown, I have been introduced to a whole new style of online flirting.
Based on this experience, here are the tips I have learnt from the men I have met online on how to stand out in this over saturated online market of flirting and how to definitely get the response you want..
PHASE ONE: LANGUAGE 1 - HOW TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF Introductions? “Hey there” “Hi! How’s it going?” / “Hows isolation treating you?” - these are all legitimate and indeed mundane ways of introducing yourself. But you need better if you want to catch the attention of that woman that you only mildly know from instagram and who you repeatedly send love heart emojis to. Your introduction is your FLIRTING ELEVATOR PITCH. You have ONE sentence to grab your future ex wife’s attention so go in hard.
EXAMPLES THAT I HAVE RECEIVED: YOU’VE BIT HIT BY THE SEXY TRAIN *insert drawing of train* I HAD A DREAM WE WERE BOTH SNAKES HOW OLD ARE YOU?! YOU LOOK DIRTY. I LIVE IN WIGAN. YOUR FIT BUT NOT FUNNY. Think of your own. Done it? Brilliant. That is your intro DONE. Now copy and paste it to 25 people you met at a Work-Do.
2- SENTENCE STRUCTURE: This is one area that many fall flat on. Do not worry, there is a simple tip on how to spunk up your sentences. What I have learnt from receiving unwarranted messages from BIGSPUNK69 is that there is NO such thing as TOO MUCH ELLIPSIS. The more ellipsis the better... Here’s a flirting text intro I sent earlier to my friend Helen, but with ellipsis added in: EXAMPLE: I AM… A SEX GOBLIN..... See that? Attention caught. The ellipsis is the drum roll of the literate world. And don’t forget fellas, there is NOTHING threatening about MULTIPLE CAP LOCKS AT ALL POINTS! It is a well known fact that putting your sentences in cap locks makes it ten times more likely for the woman reading your message to hear it in the flirty and non threatening way it was intended.
3 - GRAMMAR! More like GR@mm£r ! Like a good unbreakable password - good and dynamic flirting chat should always involve a mixture of upper and lower case letters, numbers and symbols and each word should be a minimum of eight characters in length.
HEY!…I am a SExY… TR01L!!!!!!!!! 4- QUESTIONS? Finally, personal questions are so 2019. 2020 is the year of encouraging distancing both online and in person - so make your questions to each other impersonal. Do not ask them boring questions such as “How are you keeping? What’s going on with your family? Are you well?”. Way too obvious. Ask them the name of their best friends’s pet at primary school or why they have such an odd face. Stand out from the crowd. Show them you understand boundaries and will not be censored.
EXAMPLE: HEY!…I am a SExY… TR01L. WH@t Determ!nes tHE P1tch of A S0unDwAv£?
PHASE TWO: STEP TWO: GETTING PERSONAL: 5 - ILLUSTRATIONS Photographic evidence of your genitals is really passe. Once you’ve passed the first boundary of not being blocked by them for your first message, show them you have taken developing your artistic talent seriously during lockdown and send them a hand drawn picture of your genitals, or a finger painting, or a recreation of your favourite piece of live art. Or, if you don’t have the ability to do any of this, send a pic of your favourite Georgia O Keefe or Lucian Freud. Personally I would recommend creating a tik-tok video of yourself performing a re-enactment of Carolee Schneemann’s 1975 art piece ‘Interior Scroll”!
Got a spare 30 minutes? Go on! Get creative! Get those acryllics out and get balls deep in art. You can get back on Craigslist later. 6 - SELFIES: So you have shown them your artistic talent and your fantastic conversation skills , well now is time to show them the goods! That is right Mr Cool! A selfie of your beautiful face!!!
There are so many ways to do this - such as using the light of a candle, the harvest moon or sitting with a mask on in the corner of what looks like a dark cellar....
My personal favourite is to send a self portrait of me in my bed with the caption “Your Grand-dad says hi ;).”
Now, if they then come back and say “MY GRANDAD IS DEAD’. Not a problem. Take it in your stride, just reply again with the same image but this time add in an emoji of a GHOST. That is right. Shows them that you are upfront about talking about grief but that also it still isn’t going to affect your libido.
(Remember, one selfie is not enough. It is worth sending at least 25, All at intermittent times throughout the day.) And remember fellas, if they don’t reply, now is the perfect time to show them that you are into dirty talk and call them a ‘FucK1N B1TCH!” Now go forth into the world and flirt….