A very serious diary entry about Guinea Pigs


Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. Corinthians. I have to remind myself of this with the Guinea Pigs. They are terrified of me still. I have stopped attempting to hold them. I clean their cage, give them their vegetables, top up their food and water, and I leave it at that.

We are divorced.

Effectively - they have ended up agreeing to an arranged marriage. They have given no consent to this situation.

Many people say to me “Does it make you broody? Does it make you want to be a mum?”. No. Of course it doesn't. Because they are not children. They are adult guinea pigs. They are effectively in their thirties. They know who they are. I am not their mother, I am their landlord. To them I am their captor. I have essentially abducted a married couple, relocated them from their lovely sociable home in Richmond to my loud, grotty flat rental in Brixton. I am their Kathy Bates.

So, with this theme of love and unrequited love floating in your mind, and the opening of my show in less than a week, here are the top songs that sum up the relationship I have with my guinea pigs.

1) BON IVER - I CAN’T MAKE YOU LOVE ME IF YOU DON’T

This goes out to all of those who have spent unnecessary time cutting a bell pepper and filling it with parsley, banana, spinach and apple to make it look like an artisinal burger, only for your guinea pigs to cough at it, turn, and then poo on the parsley - making it clear they wish you were dead.

2) LIONAL RICHIE - HELLO, IS IT ME YOU’RE LOOKING FOR

“No, Elf. Stop putting pottery of your face in our cage. It is very threatening” - Ian, Abyssinian Guinea Pig