Hello my wonderful bio-live pots of yoghurt.
So I am going to publish my own cookery book.
Why? Because I know about food. I have seen it, felt it and I have eaten almost every single day of my life. Except that one day when my mum took me to that weird meditation retreat where they made us drink sand and pray of "Janos".
Because of my experiences, I have knowledge with what foods are and what foods are not foods. For example: Spinach: food. Tissue paper: not a food: Hamster: depends on circumstances.
Some could argue I have no nutritional qualifications. and that I am drunk. To them, I say "True'" but ALSO I have read the internet (which is big) and I have seen a gym and I drink* soya.
Thus, I would like to publish my own nutritional cookery book.
I won't bore you with the obvious stuff. We already live in a world where we know all the nutritional advice.
Lemon juice dissolves ALL fat . You don't even need to eat it. Simply pour it over your thighs and your thighs will disappear
Up until 2014, no one knew what Kale was
Apple Cider Vinegar cures cancer
Blueberries are antioxidants. This means you don't need to go to church anymore.
Nobody knows what Chai Seeds are.
SEE HOW MUCH I KNOW?
Thus, here are my top professional, thought through recipes and food tips - WHICH I HAVE NOT WRITTEN WHILST DURNK.
FIRST TIP - CRAVINGS?
Want chocolate but it's late at night and you need to sleep soon?
1) Get a toothbrush.
2) Stick it in hot chocolate powder
3) chew on it whilst reciting all of the words to Kubla Khan by Samuel Taylor Coleridge.
4) Doing this will eventually help you tforget chocolate and insteadyou ask yourself the bigger questions. Such as: "Why didn't I continue my studies? Why are my teeth bleeding? What is the third verse of this poem? Why do I even own HOT CHOCOLATE POWDER, YOU FAT COW."
SECOND TIP - SELF CONTROL IS KEY
Nothing ruins healthy meals more than having to break bread with other people. So get rid of your friends.
1) Reduce your chances of having to eat bread, or carbs, or wine, or chocolate with the people around you by faking your own death.
THIRD TIP - BORED?
Desperate to eat?
Distract yourself. Get out of the house.
I recommend doing the following:
1) Joining the queue at the Post Office.
2) Rejoining the queue at the post office
3) Getting a job at the postoffice.
MY CHEEKY RECIPES
The Simple ‘Kitchen Supper’
1 bottle of Red Wine
1 Plate of Cheese (it doesn’t matter which cheese - but ideally not BabyBells. Not because of any taste reasons but merely because it's really bad to eat anything that comes in a circle.)
3 packets of Celery
PURE SCIENCE: If you eat cheese with red wine, the red wine breaks down the naughty fat in the cheese and the cheese breaks down the sugar in the wine. Meaning that all sin is purged from those foods.
Eat these both together alongside CELERY (I would recommend one stick of celery for every 2 units of wine and 1 lb of cheese) and the celery will actually help BURN AWAY all the additional calories from the wine and cheese, meaning the three ingredients together equal a ZERO calorie meal, with pure protein.
Also - Red Wine is made almost entirely of grapes and IRON meaning that not only does it make you happier, it makes your libido better, your heart better, and your relationship with your mother better.
Temporarily. It also makes you FUNNIER. To you. When you are alone, drinking the wine.
This is the perfect meal to eat for lunch, dinner, (breakfast only if you swap the red wine for something that looks like either juice, or vodka - see ‘Green Smoothie’ recipe below for ideas).
The Quick Clean Eater
Clean eating is easy. Done right you can feel productive, smug, energetic and hygienic all at the same time.
Step 1) Clean your kitchen
Step 2) Clean table tops
Step 3) Clean window sills
Step 4) Wash your hands you dirty bitch
Step 5) Get a tray.
Step 6) Get Mars Bar
Step 7) Wash Mars Bar
Step 8) Put Mars Bar on tray.
Step 9) Eat Mars Bar
Step 10) Throw away Mars Bar
Step 11) Do 1,000 Star Jumps.
If time is of the essence and budget is not an issue, hit two stones with one bird and hire a cleaner.
Vegan Roast Dinner
Being vegan is life changing. Not only does it revolutionise your bowel movements but it also helps educate you towards understanding exactly what Quinoa is.
People may say that making the change to being vegan should be done "gradually" with an "understanding of what chai seeds are" and a knowledge of "how to use the oven" (or what I like to call 'that thing that makes the pizzas warm') - but I THINK THAT IS RUBBISH. Sure, I've never been Vegan. But I have visited an allotment.
A vegan roast dinner is no different to a normal “meat” eaters roast dinner. I imagine.
Simply do the following:
1)Replace the Chicken with a tofu replica. (I'm sure you can get these. I've not checked. But I had a dream about them once.)
2)Replace the butter with solidified Hemp. (See details about dream above)
3) Replace Horseradish with Houmous (YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE HOUMOUS YOURSELF OTHERWISE IT DOESN’T COUNT)
4) For the cheeseboard, get a coconut, skin it (don’t worry!!! it won’t feel it!!! it’s not alive!!! It’s dead!!!) and cut it into little cubes.
Oh what do you mean it sounds too complicated? THINK OF THE ANIMALS YOU SELFISH COW.
Nutribullets are the only way to eat vegetables. Partly because they mix two of my favourite words - the first: NUTRI - which is to do with VITAMINS and the second: BULLET which reminds me of the best secret santa gift I got from my old work.
Here's my favourite smoothie recipe which will help you feel so full and high on life that you won't even need to talk to your therapist for the afternoon.
Fill up your nutribullet with each of the following (in this exact order). Remember, it has to be a Nutribullet. Because its blades are made of the same metal Zeus's wonky swords are made of.
Step 1) KALE - Just fill the fucker up with kale
Step 2) SPINACH - yes, everyone knows the story about the ‘decimal point being put in the wrong place’ - just stick it in anyway. TRUST POPEYE.
Step 3) Frozen Raspberries - Make sure you buy raspberries that are just the right side of purple, if they are the wrong purple, they are probably poisonous and not eco friendly and you’ll probably die.
Step 4) Frozen Strawberries - One Strawberry alone has enough iron in to restore all the iron you’ve lost in your vagina through all that evil menstrual bleeding you’ve probably been doing.
Step 5) One Bar of Melted Chocolate - If you melt it, the heat actually melts away the fat. Instead what you are left with is good phat. Very different.
Step 6) Gin - This is essential. Some people say ‘water’ - I say ‘Gin’ otherwise there is literally no point.
SEXY GOOD PORRIDGE
What do you mean you can’t tell the difference between different grains?
Add 1/3 full fat milk
Add 1/3 coconut milk (MAKE SURE IT IS FROM A REAL COCONUT and not one of those fake ones with the straws attached)
Add 2/3rds Porridge oats. These are a very particular type of oat. The best ones are normally found north of the wall. Get these ones. Peal off the skin and make sure that you soak them in tepid water for 73 hours before. (it must be 73 otherwise you’ll over soak them and then they will drown).
Slowly glaze them in the milk whilst reciting out loud “Yes I do want to be beach body ready. Yes I do want to be beach body ready. Yes I do want to be beach body ready.”
Can’t eat oats?
Just. Don’t. Add. The. Oats.
Replace them with frozen cubes of water.You can name the dish "The future of our Planet” as you watch the cubes melt into the sad whiteness of your hot milk. It’s not just food, it’s also SYMBOLIC.
RAW RAINBOW SUPERFOOD SALAD
It’s important to have colours in your body. Why? Do you really need to ask that question? Did YOU SEE HOW SAD DOROTHY WAS IN KANSAS?
Add the following to a bowl under the full moon, ideally at some point when there is a solstice. If you can't see Stone Henge whilst doing this, your body won't absorb any of the nutrients. And it all has to be raw. Because it's 2017.
1) RED: The blood of a sacrificial lamb
2) YELLOW Walkers Crisps (any flavour - it doesn’t - it’s the colour that counts)
3) GREEN: A slug. (just add green food colouring if it is not as green as you want)
4) BLUE: Paint.
5) ORANGE: Monster Munch - If You don’t have Monster Munch just get an Orange
6) PURPLE: The blood of a baby beetroot (DON’T WORRY. IT WAS NEVER ALIVE!!!!)
7) PINK: A Salmon.
If you can’t eat any of the following foods, I recommend replacing them with either soil or sand (depending on how close to the sea you are - make sure it is organic).
AND THAT IS IT!
** Literally. That is all they recommend.