Elf's TOP TIPS on how to eat food.

Hello my wonderful bio-live pots of yoghurt.

So I am going to publish my own cookery book.

Why? Because I know about food. I have seen it, felt it and I have eaten almost every single day of my life. Except that one day when my mum took me to that weird meditation retreat where they made us drink sand and pray of "Janos".


Because of my experiences, I have knowledge with what foods are and what foods are not foods. For example: Spinach: food. Tissue paper: not a food: Hamster: depends on circumstances.

Some could argue I have no nutritional qualifications. and that I am drunk. To them, I say "True'" but ALSO I have read the internet (which is big) and I have seen a gym and I drink* soya.

Thus, I would like to publish my own nutritional cookery book.

I won't bore you with the obvious stuff. We already live in a world where we know all the nutritional advice.

For example...

  • Lemon juice dissolves ALL fat . You don't even need to eat it. Simply pour it over your thighs and your thighs will disappear

  • Up until 2014, no one knew what Kale was

  • Apple Cider Vinegar cures cancer

  • Blueberries are antioxidants. This means you don't need to go to church anymore.

  • Nobody knows what Chai Seeds are.