The week thus far: A modern day coffee-drinking flâneur


It's 11:54 am on Thursday 16th 2015. I have just watched a TED talk which has made me question everything about my career thus far, and I am now waiting for the plumber to arrive to fix the shower... ("Er, I should be at your house between 8am and 1pm. Or later. I'm not sure").

It's incredibly glamorous being a comedian. I'm effectively a Vampire, except my coffin is a flat in Zone 2 with unstable wifi.

The tasks today involve polishing off some erotica for Lolitics next week and putting the final touches on Being Barbarella, alongside the joys of paying off bills and being a functioning adult who needs to work out who to vote for in the elections. FUN FUN FUN. Also, 3 hours of Ping Pong in the evening, because a girl needs to exercise.

Glamour aside, I am trying to be healthy. I emphasise the word 'trying'. My major attempt so far is that I have swapped my normal vat of coffee in the morning for LEMON water. I know, how modern. Apparently Lemons are really 'in' at the moment, you can't be seen without one. If you read any womens' magazine you would not be wrong for thinking that the key to becoming any high flying female CEO in the UK is to devour the yellow stuff and eat lentils.

So, I bought ten, and for the last week I have decapitated one every morning very aggressivly in my pre-I-haven't-had-a-coffee-yet mental state and dropped one into a big jug of boiling water and watched it whimper. I drink it all at my desk and think "Well, I hope this is doing something".

Then, after half an hour (that's apprently the amount of time you need to leave yourself for the lemons to 'settle into your system and work on your toxins') I hurridly switch to my normal 4 espresso spoons of coffee and all is right with the world.

****

When my flatmates saw me make a vat of coffee the other day they looked shocked.

"How many vats of these do you drink a day?" Heidi asked.

"About three" I replied cheerily.

[pause]

"No wonder you never sleep" said Ollie.

****

When I served my friend Sam coffee he looked scared. Sat on the sofa he eyed the black liquid with the thickness of melted chocolate in his mug and then looked me in the eyes:

"Do you always drink this much coffee?"

"Yes"